Dear Diary: A Post About Stubornness And Incredulity.

I got into a spat yesterday with Ben about something that seems insanely trivial to him. Unfortunately, to me, it's a huge deal.

I was in the kitchen cleaning up the stuff from dinner, and his mum was complaining about the dog needing food. Both of us women were currently occupied, so I asked him to come into the kitchen and do something for me. When he got in the kitchen, I asked him if he could do me a favor and feed the dog some food. He went around to his mom, and was complaining about having to get up and feed the dog and why couldn't he just be on his computer and "The dog is Morgan's, not mine!" And the doorbell rings, he runs like a man out of jail to open it, and tells Morgan, "Your dog is hungry. Go feed it." I, though, was in the kitchen and did not hear this until it had been clarified in our argument. After he lets Morgan in, he goes to the LazyBoy and sits there with his laptop, while his brother completely ignores feeding the dog and gets himself a banana. I look at the dogs food bowl and go to fill it for the dog when I remember I had asked Ben to do this task. I turn to the dining room and look through the door jamb and say, "Ben, when I ask you to do something, don't think of it being me asking you to do it, think of it being me telling you to do a favor for me. A personal favor. So could you get up and feed the dog, please?" He looks up and says "It's not my dog, so it's not my responsibility." Tell Morgan to feed his dog, he tells me. I look to Morgan.
"Go feed your dog," I say.
Morgan looks down to the dog as he slides the peel from his banana further down. He moves the banana up to his mouth, and says "Want some banana, dog?" I scoff and turn to Ben.
"Ben, why is it so hard for you to do something so easy as putting food in a bowl?"

[16:53] pyropunksexqueen: Hey
[16:53] bamdragon: hi
[16:53] bamdragon: what's up?
[16:53] pyropunksexqueen: I've been thinking Ben.
[16:53] pyropunksexqueen: About last night.
[16:53] pyropunksexqueen: And what I said.
[16:53] pyropunksexqueen: And what you said.
[16:54] pyropunksexqueen: And what happened.
[16:54] pyropunksexqueen: I don't want to sound drastic
[16:54] pyropunksexqueen: I don't want to come off as too decided on this.
[16:54] pyropunksexqueen: But, I don't think I'm in the right state of mind.
[16:55] pyropunksexqueen: I understand how you feel about doing stuff.
[16:55] pyropunksexqueen: I know how obstinate you can be
[16:55] pyropunksexqueen: And how high my expectations of others are.
[16:57] pyropunksexqueen: Ben, you know how I feel when people don't do stuff when I ask.
[16:58] bamdragon: yea...
[17:00] bamdragon: ...
[17:00] pyropunksexqueen: I don't know about stuff anymore.
[17:04] bamdragon: that's it?
[17:05] pyropunksexqueen: I don't want to be with you
[17:05] pyropunksexqueen: I want to fucking kill myself
[17:06] pyropunksexqueen: I don't want to go through shit
[17:06] pyropunksexqueen: Ben, I hate everything
[17:06] pyropunksexqueen: I think too much
[17:06] pyropunksexqueen: And I can't stop thinking
[17:06] bamdragon: we had one fight and now you want to kill yourself?
[17:06] pyropunksexqueen: I want stuff now
[17:06] pyropunksexqueen: Ben that's not it,
[17:06] pyropunksexqueen: I don't have enough control
[17:06] pyropunksexqueen: I feel like, I can't do anything because of others
[17:07] pyropunksexqueen: I know it's just me being silly, but I feel like I can't handle anything anymore
[17:07] bamdragon: From last night:
(10:11:47 PM) Lyndsi: hey ^_^
(10:12:51 PM) me: sup?
(10:13:00 PM) Lyndsi: nm
(10:13:02 PM) Lyndsi: you?
(10:15:15 PM) me: chilin
(10:15:26 PM) me: Rae is mad at me right now because I didn't feed the dog
(10:16:16 PM) me: I didn't feed the dog because it's Morgan's dog and he was standing right there by the dogs food and the dog was following him around and he was not doing anything and I had already told him to feed his dog so I felt it wasn't my responsibility
(10:16:34 PM) me: but Rae thinks I was disrespecting her or something by not feeding the dog
(10:16:58 PM) me: I didn't disrespect her until afterwards because she started trying to make an issue of it
(10:17:13 PM) Lyndsi: sounds like fun
(10:18:32 PM) Lyndsi: what are you up to tomorrow?
(10:19:22 PM) me: work
(10:19:24 PM) me: why?
[17:08] bamdragon: I still think you're over reacting to the situation
[17:08] pyropunksexqueen: I know what you think
[17:08] pyropunksexqueen: It isn't about the dog food technically
[17:08] bamdragon: yea, I know
[17:09] bamdragon: but that illustrates the fact that you're getting upset about something that was originally more or less irrelevant
[17:10] pyropunksexqueen: I realize that
[17:10] pyropunksexqueen: To you it seems like that
[17:10] pyropunksexqueen: I still feel disrespected.
[17:11] pyropunksexqueen: It bothers me that half the time I ask you to do something you have to fight me everystep of the way.
[17:11] pyropunksexqueen: It doesn't bother me
[17:11] pyropunksexqueen: It makes me so fucking pissed at you
[17:11] pyropunksexqueen: Before I was just kinda bothered by
[17:11] pyropunksexqueen: it
[17:11] pyropunksexqueen: But you kept doing it Ben
[17:11] pyropunksexqueen: I don't ask you for anything hard.
[17:12] pyropunksexqueen: Do I?
[17:13] pyropunksexqueen: What, then, stands out the most?
[17:18] bamdragon: It's not that feeding the dog was hard. Imagine if I Peter left a mess in the kitchen and while he was still there in the kitchen I ordered you to clean it up. How would you react?
[17:19] pyropunksexqueen: He left a mess and was still in the kitchen. Shouldn't you wait until he was done and left it there to ask me?
[17:19] bamdragon: Suppose he spilled something on the floor and then decided to sit down and watch tv or something
[17:19] bamdragon: It's just a hypothetical
[17:20] pyropunksexqueen: Well, honestly, I would clean it up..
[17:20] pyropunksexqueen: If he's obviously unable to do it himself.
[17:20] pyropunksexqueen: But
[17:20] pyropunksexqueen: I would berate him
[17:20] pyropunksexqueen: And you ordering me wouldn't make a difference to me
[17:21] bamdragon: but he's not unable to do it. he's clearly capable of doing it, and so am I. but I chose to order you to do it instead.
[17:21] pyropunksexqueen: I see what you're trying to say
[17:21] pyropunksexqueen: Morgan wasn't in the kitchen when I asked you though
[17:21] pyropunksexqueen: You waited.
[17:22] pyropunksexqueen: You stalled until he was there
[17:22] bamdragon: no, but I let him in and passed it on to him
[17:22] bamdragon: the door rang right after you asked me
[17:22] pyropunksexqueen: RIGHT AFTER YOU GOT TO THE AREA WHERE THE DOGS STUFF WAS
[17:22] pyropunksexqueen: SOD IT BEN IT WAS SO SIMPLE
[17:23] pyropunksexqueen: I give up
[17:23] pyropunksexqueen: There isn't any need for you to say more
[17:23] pyropunksexqueen: Really
[17:23] pyropunksexqueen: You don't need to
[17:27] bamdragon: Look it's not about you asking me to feed the dog. It wasn't a big deal at all until you decided to be like "that wasn't a request, I was ordering you to feed the dog and you better do it or else". At that point I had already passed the task to Morgan so I didn't feel it was my responsibility and when I told you this and you kept trying to order me to do something that clearly (to me) wasn't my responsibility when the person responsible was sitting on their hands was ridiculous. It seemed like you were just trying to assert dominance or shame me into doing something and I don't respond well to that kind of confrontation.
[17:28] bamdragon: You can't micromanage people. It doesn't work. It gets everyone pissed off and people think you're just being a bitch.
[17:28] bamdragon: That's why nobody like Delia

I know that he is, for the most part, stubborn. When I usually ask him to do things for me, he complains, and argues, but I can generally get him to do something, or apologise!, by talking to him logically. He does the same thing with his mother so I shouldn't be so surprised when he acts the same to me, but being raised to be obedient has me expectant towards similar actions as mine. I am just not used to being disobeyed.

I can admit that he's right. I do command people to do stuff because I need to assert my dominance. I do it because I often feel out of control, and telling people to do things gives me the illusory feeling of having the ability to handle things of my own accord. Oh well, I guess when he gets home tonight, I'll try and apologise. Though, should I pretend I didn't read the message he sent me? It wouldn't be worth it to pretend I didn't, I think I told him how Meebo logs offline messages. Thank you Meebo.
*Sighs* Woe is me. I keep looking online for stockings, and I usually don't wear pantyhose because of how horrible they feel, but I think I'll like thigh highs. I need to remember not to wear them too high so I don't rub them out, but it's so hard to find regular opaque thigh highs in my size that aren't lace tops. I don't want lace because the lace would break easy and I have a tendency to pull them up often, so I'd be constantly bothered with thought of ruining them.

Mon april 14th